As I was scanning through the book The Power for True Success (How to Build Character in your Life), I came accross five major negative character traits I used to have when I was still a young insecure person, when I haven't yet accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, and even during my babyhood as a Christian. As I try to ponder on these traits, I couldn't help but be (somehow) emotional. It felt like I came back to when I was being disciplined by the Lord, when I was being humbled, when I was being rebuked in love. And now that I am a parent to a 5 month old baby boy, I realized that I could fall short and be that old me to my son. So I have to be careful. It's reality-check and time-check for me now. Here are my top 5 character traits a parent shouldn't have:
Pride
Arrogance
Unforgiveness
Carelessness
Unbelief
PRIDE. This one is the oposite of humility. When we don't humble ourselves and acknowledge that apart from Jesus we can do nothing, that's pride. When we focus on our own wisdom, strength, and ability, that's pride. When you want to be praised always and finds it hard to accept your mistakes, that's pride.
There are times when we also need to humble ourselves not only before the Lord but also before our children. We also commit mistakes and hurt them. We also need to ask for their forgiveness.
I know a story of a mother who told her 10 year-old daughter to give her aunt the box of chocolate she bought as gift. The girl went to her aunt's house which is just a few blocks away from their's. She knocked but no one answered so she came back home and put the box in the ref. A few minutes passed and her 5 year-old brother saw it and ate some. Then the mother saw her boy eating. She immediately got irritated and called her daughter. Without even asking the poor girl why the chocolate is still there, the mother just reprimanded her in front of her brother. It was only later that evening when she found out what really happened. It took a great deal of humility for the mother to talk and ask for her daughter's forgivesness before they went to sleep.
I think that when our children see more humility (less pride) in us, they will not have a hard time being humble themselves as they grow up.
ARROGANCE. People who struggles with pride also usually struggles with arrogance. I used to really brag about the university I graduated from to the point of hurting others, until I was shamed in front of a group of people. And when I realized that it's only through the grace of God that I have things and through that same grace that I can do things, then I started boasting on the Lord only.
As a parent we can't act arrogant in front of our children. For example, saying to your teen:
"When I was your age, I can memorize to the max. I can do a report and get a very high grade. I only have to read and I can do these mathematical equations."
or saying to your preschooler who isn't good in sports:
"Your father is an athlete, so you have to be good in running!"
Just imagine the damage your arrogance and self-centereness can inflict in your unique child. You might be the cause of his low self-esteem, insecurity, total pressure, and lack of inspiration. So be gentle.
UNFORGIVENESS. The truth about unforgiveness is that you are not destroying the one who offended you, but yourself. But at times, knowing you are not forgiven bothers and hurts you.
In the same way that we must be patient with our children, we parents must be forgiving as well. Our kids will make mistakes over and over. Whether willfully or intentionally or not, they will hurt us and offend us. And by being unforgiving, we tend to be historical. Imagine you as the one hearing from your old parents this dialogue:
"Remember what you did last summer? I have never forgotten that. Now you did it again!"
how would you feel? I personally would feel hurt. Although I understand that discipline is necessary, I also want things to be normal after the process. I don't want to revisit and be reminded over and over about past mistakes. That's how our children would feel also.
We have to be reminded that we are forgiven at the cross. And I believe that by being very forgiving, we give glory and honor and praise to Jesus.
CARELESSNESS. We have be conscious of our children's emotions all the time. For me, this is a serious matter. I was once a child, and simple negative remarks on me could hurt me bad. The opposite of carelessness is alertness. I say we have to be alert not only with what our children need but also with what they feel and how they feel at a certain situation at a certain time. If we become careless with our actions and words, we might break and crash their spirits. I try not to say negative words to my son even though he is still a baby. Saying things like "you're so naughty" or "stop crying you're so loud" may become a habit. We have to be sensitive enough.
UNBELIEF. My husband and I did not plan of conceiving a baby last year. But I believe that there's no accident and that there's a purpose for everything. When our baby was 3 months old, we started to be anxious of when he will roll over his tummy. We felt like its late already but he did. Then we started wondering when he'll crawl, and now he is starting do do it. I know one day we will again wonder when he'll walk or speak or read and all, but we have to have faith that all these will happen and come to pass. We have to believe that he has a future and hope because God has a plan for him.
Just when we as parents are doubting our children's ability, that' when we should back them up and support them and attest to them how we believe in them. Win or lose, they are champions for us. So don't give in to unbelief. Have faith in our children.
I know there are more to be learned. We are still being molded anyway. Let us be our children's model of Christlikeness
Pride
Arrogance
Unforgiveness
Carelessness
Unbelief
PRIDE. This one is the oposite of humility. When we don't humble ourselves and acknowledge that apart from Jesus we can do nothing, that's pride. When we focus on our own wisdom, strength, and ability, that's pride. When you want to be praised always and finds it hard to accept your mistakes, that's pride.
There are times when we also need to humble ourselves not only before the Lord but also before our children. We also commit mistakes and hurt them. We also need to ask for their forgiveness.
I know a story of a mother who told her 10 year-old daughter to give her aunt the box of chocolate she bought as gift. The girl went to her aunt's house which is just a few blocks away from their's. She knocked but no one answered so she came back home and put the box in the ref. A few minutes passed and her 5 year-old brother saw it and ate some. Then the mother saw her boy eating. She immediately got irritated and called her daughter. Without even asking the poor girl why the chocolate is still there, the mother just reprimanded her in front of her brother. It was only later that evening when she found out what really happened. It took a great deal of humility for the mother to talk and ask for her daughter's forgivesness before they went to sleep.
I think that when our children see more humility (less pride) in us, they will not have a hard time being humble themselves as they grow up.
ARROGANCE. People who struggles with pride also usually struggles with arrogance. I used to really brag about the university I graduated from to the point of hurting others, until I was shamed in front of a group of people. And when I realized that it's only through the grace of God that I have things and through that same grace that I can do things, then I started boasting on the Lord only.
As a parent we can't act arrogant in front of our children. For example, saying to your teen:
"When I was your age, I can memorize to the max. I can do a report and get a very high grade. I only have to read and I can do these mathematical equations."
or saying to your preschooler who isn't good in sports:
"Your father is an athlete, so you have to be good in running!"
Just imagine the damage your arrogance and self-centereness can inflict in your unique child. You might be the cause of his low self-esteem, insecurity, total pressure, and lack of inspiration. So be gentle.
UNFORGIVENESS. The truth about unforgiveness is that you are not destroying the one who offended you, but yourself. But at times, knowing you are not forgiven bothers and hurts you.
In the same way that we must be patient with our children, we parents must be forgiving as well. Our kids will make mistakes over and over. Whether willfully or intentionally or not, they will hurt us and offend us. And by being unforgiving, we tend to be historical. Imagine you as the one hearing from your old parents this dialogue:
"Remember what you did last summer? I have never forgotten that. Now you did it again!"
how would you feel? I personally would feel hurt. Although I understand that discipline is necessary, I also want things to be normal after the process. I don't want to revisit and be reminded over and over about past mistakes. That's how our children would feel also.
We have to be reminded that we are forgiven at the cross. And I believe that by being very forgiving, we give glory and honor and praise to Jesus.
CARELESSNESS. We have be conscious of our children's emotions all the time. For me, this is a serious matter. I was once a child, and simple negative remarks on me could hurt me bad. The opposite of carelessness is alertness. I say we have to be alert not only with what our children need but also with what they feel and how they feel at a certain situation at a certain time. If we become careless with our actions and words, we might break and crash their spirits. I try not to say negative words to my son even though he is still a baby. Saying things like "you're so naughty" or "stop crying you're so loud" may become a habit. We have to be sensitive enough.
UNBELIEF. My husband and I did not plan of conceiving a baby last year. But I believe that there's no accident and that there's a purpose for everything. When our baby was 3 months old, we started to be anxious of when he will roll over his tummy. We felt like its late already but he did. Then we started wondering when he'll crawl, and now he is starting do do it. I know one day we will again wonder when he'll walk or speak or read and all, but we have to have faith that all these will happen and come to pass. We have to believe that he has a future and hope because God has a plan for him.
Just when we as parents are doubting our children's ability, that' when we should back them up and support them and attest to them how we believe in them. Win or lose, they are champions for us. So don't give in to unbelief. Have faith in our children.
I know there are more to be learned. We are still being molded anyway. Let us be our children's model of Christlikeness